spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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