im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
