Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
