Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
