Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
