I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
