Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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