I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
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