Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
