you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
