Moan for me like Helen Keller
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
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