she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
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after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
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It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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