the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Your cock deserves a montage
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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