I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
