I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i came on her dog
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
