So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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