um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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