If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
