my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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