We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
