I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
