I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
