I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We had to coat check the pizza.
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Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
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Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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