you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
