Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
