so explain again why im purple
no
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
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Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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