remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
