when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Randomize
