A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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