I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
As shirtless as possible
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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