There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
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only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
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I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him