Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?