So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
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I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
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I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.