Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
