I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
