im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
