I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
