seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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