I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
