Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
