Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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