One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
