just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
