Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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