Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
