I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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