the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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