if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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