so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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