I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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