I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
