You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
