and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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