you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
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Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
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I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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