I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
