So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
