So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My liver just broke up with me...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
