I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
