Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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