hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
50% drunk capacity currently
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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