I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
