What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
