Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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