Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
