if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
