Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
