Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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